"All my hopes and expectations:
Looking for an explanation.
Have I found my destination?"

Friday, 26 October 2012

Holding On

I should have written this a couple of weeks ago when I was in a better place.  Hindsight is a splendid thing…  I could have written all about how great it is to finally have a job and be spending time with adults; feeling productive and open to all sorts of future possibilities.

But I didn’t write it then.  And now I’m struggling.  The last few days I’ve been finding it hard to cope.  To be honest that’s rather an understatement.

I hate the way my head works when I’m like this.  No matter what the situation I can’t help but focus on the negative; often finding one where it doesn’t exist.

Everything becomes a chore.  From getting out of bed in the morning, to holding conversations; even just being around people is hard.  All I want to do is get away from everything.  Go for a long walk.  Preferably to not come back.

It is at times like this that I am incredibly grateful to my friends.  For putting up with me when I can’t stand myself.  For reassuring me of their love and support.  For not letting me hide away.  Distracting me with jobs or by simply being there, quietly, allowing me time to sit and breathe and try to refocus.

“When it seems hardest to pray, that’s when we should pray the hardest”: I was reminded the other day. 

It is hard to pray when I’m feeling like this.  I bought a holding cross at Greenbelt this year and that’s helped a lot.

At the back of my mind I always know it’s there; and being able to take it out of my desk drawer at work, or from my pocket while I’m waiting for the bus – that’s meant that prayer has been a more obvious option than it used to be, as well as coming easier. 


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