"All my hopes and expectations:
Looking for an explanation.
Have I found my destination?"

Saturday, 10 September 2011

It’s been a while...

I won’t start making excuse as the list would be as long as my arm. So instead I’ll list a few things that stand out in my memory from the last six months. No particular order: just when they come to me.

July 3rd I was baptised. I can’t even begin to describe how I feel about that. It was the culmination of 6 months’ worth of discovery and the climax of many weeks of pent up anxiety Right up until the last minute I was terrified that it was all just a big mistake; that there’s no way God really wanted me. The nerves all melted as soon as I stood up to give testimony though and the day was absolutely amazing.

Sophie turned 5. My little girl is so grown up. There are times when she is a complete teenager: screaming at me and slamming her bedroom door in my face – but I love that girl to bits. I don’t always feel like the best mother in the world (far from it!) but every day I am so thankful that I have her, as she has the ability to bring out the very best in me. I am so proud of the person she is becoming and can’t wait for each new development in her life.

Went to Greenbelt with some brilliant friends. Bit of a wobble the first night as even in my panic nightmares a couple of nights prior to the trip I hadn’t fully appreciated the effect my claustrophobia would have when I was faced with the prospect of sleeping in a tent. All was dealt with though and the weekend was fantastic. Can’t wait to go back again next year. I loved being outside, the ‘safeness’ I felt by knowing I had such good friends right there, the whole atmosphere of the place was incredible.

My birthday. If anyone had said to me last year that I would go to three different Churches on my birthday, out of choice, and have a great day; I would have laughed. But that’s what happened. Having it fall on Good Friday meant that my birthday this year was rather busy. The evening itself was rather tame: couple of good friends at the snooker club – but getting older isn’t all that bad really :)

Saturday, 19 March 2011


I love sunny days. I can have a beer in the middle of the day without feeling particularly bad about it. As long as I drink it in the garden. That’s my strange philosophy. If it’s warm enough to sit in the garden and drink a beer then the fresh air counteracts some of the bad effects of the alcohol. I do usually stick to just the one. Especially if it’s not really all that warm and I end up pretty much downing the bottle before running back into the warmth of the kitchen…

Having not written anything for nearly a week I would feel guilty ending this after the above paragraph. So I’ll continue on for a bit. Hopefully without mentioning alcohol.

This week I’ve had a lot on my mind and not been sleeping particularly well. Things are different though. Much improved. I’m still not 100% comfortable talking about things but I’m so much better than I was. Depending on the situation anyway. Certain people make me feel more comfortable talking than others do. But not necessarily the people I would have expected…

Still feeling a bit lost though. Not sure what my next step is and until I figure it out I feel as if I'm going round in circles.

Sunday, 13 March 2011

Exponential Increases

How is it that the noise made by kids grows exponentially with the number of kids present? When Sophie’s at school and it’s just me and James in the house it’s relatively peaceful. Never quiet; but peaceful. When she’s home it gets pretty loud pretty quick. And when we have children visiting: well…

Saturday, 12 March 2011


I just spent my evening watching the BBC film The Edge of Love, which reignited my love of Dylan Thomas’ poetry. I looked up a few online, surprised at how many I remembered. Really ought to get a book… Anyway, I came across one that I’d never heard, as I know I’d have remembered this:

There was an old bugger called God,
who got a young virgin in pod.
This disgraceful behaviour
begot Christ our Saviour,
who was nailed to a cross, poor old sod.

[It might not have actually been written by Dylan, but he certainly loved to quote it!]

Friday, 11 March 2011

Wedding Dance

Got a lot on my mind today, for once not my own issues… Gonna keep this short and sweet and just post a video I came across this evening. I’ve so got to do this if I get married (",)

Thursday, 10 March 2011

Poor Judoon :(

Ok. After yesterday’s post I think I ought to try writing a bit earlier before the temptation of alcohol kicks in. Or rather, before the alcohol itself kicks in…

Today’s been … good. Good conversation, good food, (good glass of sparkling rose), good behaviour from the boy. I could go on listing ‘good’ things but I shan’t.

Instead I am going to write about something I’m thankful for on many occasions as a result of living with small children.

PVA glue.

Before I had kids I hadn’t realised quite how versatile PVA is. In the last four years I’ve used it to re-hem curtains (I suck at sewing and had run out of wonderweb), reattach torn wallpaper, seal doors on toy cars (thus preventing small boys pulling them off and losing them) and to generally add that extra bit of ‘stick’ when needed to a number of things around the house. That’s not to mention the fun we have with it when doing craft.

Today it saved the life of a Judoon Captain. His leg had been torn off during a battle with a Dalek and Mickey Smith. He’d been left alone to die; his right leg unceremoniously hidden down the back of the sofa. With just a small drop of glue and a long enough recuperation/drying time he should make a full recovery. Although, as I had to use a fine file to roughen up the joint a bit before applying the glue, his right leg is now slightly shorter than his left… Sorry Captain!

Wednesday, 9 March 2011

Red Red Wine

Today I’m liking how the short-term effects of wine drinking include making problems seem insignificant.

I also quite like how drinking the wine quickly makes the room spin when I stand up too fast.

Tastes pretty damn good too.

Tuesday, 8 March 2011


Things that made me happy today:

  • Getting woken up just 5 minutes before my alarm
  • James riding his new bike
  • Realising I have more money this month than I thought
  • therefore being able to order ice cream (and Port) as part of my tesco delivery
  • Mini nature walk with a special 2 year old
  • Yummy lunch with brilliant friends
  • Pancakes

Sunday, 6 March 2011

Lost dog...

Skipped yesterday as I felt crap and went to bed early. Don’t know why I bothered though.

James spent his first night away from home last night (stayed at Grandma’s). Apart from being cross that I wasn’t there to cuddle him when he woke up at 4am he was fine. I got loads and loads of extra squeezy cuddles today: think maybe he missed me a bit J

Took the kids to the park this afternoon. Didn’t stay for long as James needed a poo (brilliant timing – such a man!) but in the time we were there Sophie managed to ‘lose’ her new dog. She’s adamant he was in the seat on the back of her bike when we got there (I’m pretty sure she’s right) but he was gone when she got back on her bike to leave. Very proud of Sophie though: instead of dissolving into tears when she realised her newest toy had gone she managed to reason that if anyone thought he was special enough that they wanted to take him, he’d be really well looked after now. She’s getting so grown up!

Friday, 4 March 2011


Skipped a day yesterday, struggling with motivation today too. Been told to “just start writing and see what comes out” – here goes:


Ok, seriously, why am I struggling with this? I’m happy. I’ve had a good day. I’m just not in the writing ‘mood’. I certainly hope that’s not gonna turn out to be linked! If I can only get my mind focused on writing when I’m feeling low then I really need to reconsider my future plans. I certainly don’t want to go back to feeling like I did, but to have to consider getting a ‘proper’ job long-term..? That’s depressing :-(

Try harder woman!


The park: yes! The park was fun. Took Jimmy to the park this afternoon and he had a great time running around with his friends.

Oh, and I’m talking. Might not sound like much but I’ve always struggled to express myself verbally. In writing I’m fine, but out loud… This week though I’ve actually surprised myself on a number of occasions by both the nature of the conversations I’m having and the confidence in which I can hold them. It’s all good!

Wednesday, 2 March 2011

Favourite Toy

I love my kids. They drive me up the wall and make me want to tear my hair out sometimes (not as often these days though) – but I wouldn’t change them for the world.

Sophie’s had a bit of a stroppy afternoon but she ended her day by giving me the biggest cuddle I’ve had in a long time, telling me that she loves me so much and thanking me for not getting cross with her when she was whingey. Actually says a lot about how things have changed in our house over the past few weeks.

James’ current bedtime routine involves me having to ask him set questions (at the right time, in the right order) before he’ll be ready to settle.

“Do you want your music on?”

“Are you taking any toys to bed with you tonight?”


That’s as far as I got tonight. He grabbed me and said he was keeping me as I’m his favourite toy. Took a while to escape: he’s getting really strong!

Tuesday, 1 March 2011


Spent a lot of last night writing a long email so didn’t even think about blogging until I was in bed. Quick post this morning then to make up for it…

Spent a good portion of yesterday thinking about how blessed I am by friendships I have. I don’t have many friends but those that I do have are certainly special. The last couple of weeks have reinforced that fact in my mind. Whether they are friends that I have known since school or ones I have made in the past year or so; they mean the world to me.

Had James’ parents’ evening yesterday too. Everything positive – pretty much what I expected if I’m honest. He’s getting referred for speech therapy though, hasn’t got the hang of his ‘s’ and ‘t’ sounds in particular. Anyone who doesn’t know that his sister is called Sophie would be completely stumped if he tried to tell them…

Monday, 28 February 2011


Still not used to this happy feeling. Part of me seems to be constantly on edge; looking out for whatever it is that is going to bring me crashing back down to ‘normality’. I’m ignoring that feeling as best I can though. Want to enjoy the happiness as much as possible.


Somehow I negated to mention yesterday that JAMES ATE ALL OF HIS DINNER! To anyone who doesn’t know James and his eating habits (or lack of) this is a huuuge deal. It’s only been a few weeks since I really started trying to get him to eat anything (apart from peanut butter sandwiches) and he’s done so well. From someone who wouldn’t touch anything that was different he’s now able to list chicken, sausages, pasta, potatoes, carrots, peas and sweetcorn (have I forgotten something?) as his favourite foods. Only thing he’s tried so far that he’s adamant he doesn’t like is broccoli. Fair enough. Anyway; he ate all his dinner again today, and I put considerably wore on his plate. Superstar!

Went ‘walking’ with Becca this morning. With periods of jogging thrown in. I don’t mind walking. I actually rather enjoy it. But jogging? I never know what to do with my arms. I don’t feel comfortable going slowly. And I needed to pee. It’s all good though, need to get fit. Always feel better after exercise too :-)

Sunday, 27 February 2011

These bottles are green, please recycle them.

So what’s made me smile today?

It’s Sunday which means the new week starts tomorrow. I love Mondays. This week, with the kids back to school after half term, Monday means seeing friends who I haven’t seen for a week. So that’s something to look forward to.

Cake. I’m happy because I have cake. Ems made a gorgeous carrot cake which is calling to me now from the kitchen to come and eat another slice. I will resist!

Can’t forget the beer! I ran out of beer at least two weeks ago (feels like months!) and finally bought some more yesterday. Beer is good. As long as I’m in the right mood when I drink it and don’t drink too much. Tonight I am happy and had two bottles. Perfect :-)

Saturday, 26 February 2011

Mud, Mud, Glorious Mud...

You know how sometimes things seem to happen in slow motion? To me those times usually involve one of the kids crashing into something or falling over, with me powerless, too slow to prevent the inevitable. Well today wasn’t like that. One moment James was running full-pelt across the grass towards the bus stop, next thing I knew he was on his back in a muddy mess. Literally caked in the stuff from his boots to his shoulders (kept his head up so no mud in his hair). He didn’t hurt himself, was just a bit shocked so once he got over that he found it incredible funny. Only problem was I now had a very messy boy and two buses to sit on before I could get him home and changed.

From the front he looked fine, but from behind… I managed to persuade him to kneel at the window on the first bus so he could see out, by the second bus the mud was dry enough that I was sure it wouldn’t weld itself to the seat if he sat down. The looks we got from other passengers though: you’d think he was covered in blood, not mud. Come on: he’s a boy, he’s three – he does pretty well at staying clean most of the time.

Trousers and coat are currently soaking along with yesterday’s clothes he got filthy at the park. ‘Most of the time’ he’s clean – honestly!

Beautiful sunset tonight:

Friday, 25 February 2011

Noisy Frogs

Becca made me do it.

Ok, so ‘made’ is probably a bit of an exaggeration; but I’m not sure I want to incur her wrath if she gets back at the end of half term and I haven’t started this. I bruise like a peach and she can hit hard!

Anyway, this is supposed to be a positive, life affirming blog wherein I can record things that make me happy, events that excite me, generally joyful thoughts. Best get started then…

Speaking of life affirming: my back garden is full of the noise of frog mating calls. My pond is a local breeding ground and it’s that time of year again! The kids love seeing all the hundreds (literally: counted over 200 last year before giving up – it’s only a tiny pond!) of frogs crawling over each other in an attempt to … well … the kids aren’t asking too many questions on that front yet. The frogs are all just so happy to see each other! Anyway, frog-mating is a sign that spring is really coming. That and the fact that I hung washing outside again today. Fresh, line-dried sheets on the bed tonight: bliss….

Yesterday I took the kids down to London for the day to visit a friend. This meant travelling on the underground… I get claustrophobic; not too badly but enough that I was rather dreading that part of the day. Having the kids with me though, I saw the whole tube-journey experience through new eyes. I’m not saying I enjoyed it, but the excitement on James’ face and the mix of fear and thrill on Sophie’s; definitely took my mind off my own apprehension. Travelling with kids in London is stressful, but a lot of fun at the same time.