"All my hopes and expectations:
Looking for an explanation.
Have I found my destination?"

Thursday, 19 April 2012

"Does darkness exist?"

The question posed to us by Richard during his service on Good Friday. 

The scientific answer is that darkness does not exist.  Darkness is simply the absence of light.  Light we can study, darkness we cannot.  Darkness cannot be measured; light on the other hand can.  How can we tell how dark a certain space is?  We measure the amount of light. A simple ray of light can break through darkness and illuminate it.  Darkness is simply the absence of light.

But that’s physical darkness.  What about emotional darkness?  The feeling of isolation and numbness that I am all to familiar with.  Does that exist? 

I’d love to be able to say no; but like I said, it is all too familiar.  However, like physical darkness, this emotional state can be overcome through the introduction of light.  It’s a little bit harder than flicking a switch though.

A song that I listened to a lot when I first started out on my Christian journey (and that I still turn to regularly when the darkness threatens), is ‘Light’ by the Proclaimers.  It is probably my favourite of their songs: pretty much every word of it resonates with me.  (Lyrics reproduced on page 16 for anyone who is interested.)

"I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life." (John 8:12)

When I started writing this, I was in a positive place.  I can remember that; sort of.  At least, I remember feeling like a double-page of the magazine would be pretty easy to fill.  But now…? 

The light is really hard to see when my mind just feels full of nothingness. 

People ask me if I’m okay and the automatic response is to say that I’m fine.  I read somewhere recently (but cannot remember where) that ‘fine’ is an acronym for ‘Feeling In Need of Encouragement’. 

That’s certainly true for how I am right now. 
  • I keep turning to my Bible for help.  But my bible knowledge is pretty poor so I either spend a long time randomly flicking pages or I go back to familiar passages. 
  • I hate being on my own but I go out of my way to avoid being around people. 
  • I can’t stand silence so I turn the music on really LOUD to overcompensate for the emptiness in my head. 
  • I long for physical contact with someone but push the kids away if they want a cuddle. 
I’m a mess.

My heart is open to Jesus and His light but it’s like there’s a wall in my head casting a shadow over everything. 

When I focus, I know that all this is only temporary.  That the shadow will pass soon and I’ll be back to ‘normal’. 

All I can do is keep praying for that to happen soon. 


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