"All my hopes and expectations:
Looking for an explanation.
Have I found my destination?"

Tuesday, 10 April 2012

This month has been a weird one for me.

I made a decision that some may view as premature, foolish, downright stupid…  To be honest I had enough doubts of my own but deep down inside, what I was doing felt right in a way that nothing has for a while.

I stopped taking the anti-depressants that my doctor had prescribed to me.  I’d been thinking about it for some time.  The pills had kind of helped at the start but it had got to the stage where I just felt numb to everything and, to be honest, I kind of missed the ‘high’ part of my up-and-down-ness.  I wanted to feel like me again.

I should have discussed my feelings with the doctor, but (that aside) something told me I was making the right decision.

“It is better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in man.” (Psalm 118:8)

A couple of years ago, if someone had said to me that they were going to stop taking their medication and rely on prayer and faith in God to keep them going, I would have wanted to slap some sense into them.  But now my perspective has changed.

“With God all things are possible.”  (Matthew 19:26)

Consistent prayer is finally helping me get my mind into the right place.  I have built more structure into my daily (and weekly) routines; I figured that if I am going to call myself a Methodist I ought to have a bit more structure to my life!

I’m not saying that I know what I am doing, or that I know it is going to work – but it feels like this is what I should be doing.  It feels more than comfortable.  Feels right.

I know how it sounds.  I’m still waiting for someone to try and slap me.

But I’m not doing this on my own.  I have the best help anyone could ever get.  L. B. Cowman said: “It is such a comfort to drop the tangles of life into God’s hands and leave them there.”  That’s exactly how I feel: comforted.  He is much better at untangling my mess than I am, or a doctor is.

This past month has been weird, like I said.  I’ve been constantly waiting to see if a depression would hit me; but whereas before I would be waiting with trepidation, now I’m waiting with a smile on my face, seeing every day as the gift from God that it truly is.


No comments:

Post a Comment